If I met Bruce Springsteen, I would ask him why the pitcher in "Glory Days" throws a *speedball* and not a fastball.
Dec 3, 2022
Today I referred to Plinko (The Price Is Right game) in case you're wondering what it's like to work with me (inscrutable).
Sep 2, 2022
A million years ago, I lived in Austin, TX, and frequented a bar that no longer exists; there was an old-timer there who drank watery domestic beers (Pearl, specifically) out of a plastic cup with ice cubes. I am now that man.
Aug 6, 2022
Parenting is mostly telling your kids where a song's sample comes from, playing them the original music, feeling old as a result, and then contemplating your mortality.
Jan 15, 2022
I once ran into Stevie Wonder, literally. I wasn't looking, rounded a corner, and bumped into him before being lifted off the ground and moved by his security guards. I quickly yelled, "I am so sorry, I didn't see you!" Stevie replied, "I didn't see you either, kid."
May 21, 2021
I will never forget two little kids in a Radio Flyer talking about some random animal sculpture at the National Zoo. Sister: "Hey, what's that there?" Brother: "Oh, that? That's where Jesus died for our sins."
May 18, 2021
I am still pissed "Boyhood" lost Best Picture to "Birdman" in 2015.
Mar 31, 2021
I email myself screenshots from my phone if you wonder how old I am (old).
Mar 5, 2021
Get this: a cooking show where your food has to taste good, but you gain/lose points based on how many dishes you dirty in the process. Please note: I would crush this competition.
May 21, 2020
We put tin foil in a potted plant so the cat wouldn't pee in it, and my son saw it and said, "Love what you've done with the place." I couldn't love him more.
Sep 15, 2019
I want to tell David Berman that his music has always meant a lot to me. And I will never forget chatting with him at a Daniel Johnston show at Liberty Lunch and laughing about how he took one of those horse carriages to the show.
Jul 13, 2019
At work, I couldn't remember "hill," so I accidentally said, "I'm not going to die on that *cross*" so I'm pretty sure I am available for freelance work.
Jun 22, 2019
When I buy only random stuff at the store (like today's rubbing alcohol and cinnamon toast crunch), I like to say to the cashier, "just the basics."
May 31, 2019
Anytime I make it through the self-checkout line without screwing up, I give the clerk a proud little "hope you saw that" look and get nothing in return.
Jan 11, 2019
If anybody in our house says, "salt and pepper" (as in: "please pass the salt and pepper"), one of my children will inevitably respond, "Heavy D up in the limousine."
Dec 11, 2018
I had a dream I was in a Doonesbury comic. I am 67 years old.
Oct 3, 2018
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I saw the same guy in the office bathroom three times today, so I said, "come here often," and he looked at me like I was crazy, so now I need to quit my job.
Aug 21, 2018
Update: I still love avocados.
Sep 21, 2017
I sent myself a list of emails to send myself. Please help.
Sep 4, 2017
I had a dream that I bought all-new matching Tupperware - going to go ahead and call this rock bottom.
Jul 23, 2017
This morning my boys asked me to play a song by Ed Sheeran, so now they are available for adoption.
Mar 22, 2017
Quit my job, voted, and bought a used copy of "Pussy Cats" by Harry Nilsson. Documenting this day for future generations.
Oct 27, 2016
There is nothing quite like eating a hard-boiled egg at your desk to remind you of death's inevitability.
Aug 12, 2016
I heard Neutral Milk Hotel on The Dan Le Batard Show, so now I am driving my car into a lake.
Jun 29, 2016
When I was a kid, I had a t-shirt with makeup smudges in the shape of a face, and it said: I ran into Tammy Faye Bakker at the beach.
Apr 14, 2016
Please play rocksteady at my funeral.
Jan 25, 2016
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I sometimes wish I was one of those people that smells like laundry.
Nov 1, 2015
I was sure Bob Dylan would do "If Dogs Run Free" last night on Letterman's penultimate show. Or that 14-minute song about the Titanic?
May 20, 2015
My favorite record of the last ten years is the first Brightblack Morning Light record, nothing else quite like it.
May 5, 2015
I wish I had said, "Get a room" more often.
Feb 6, 2015
One of my favorite things so far (40 years on Earth) is that "Oh Shit" poster with the kitty hanging from a tree.
Nov 12, 2014
Whenever an automatic door fails to open, I immediately assume I'm a ghost.
May 10, 2013
"My kid doesn't watch TV" is the new "I don't watch TV."
Jul 22, 2012
Fact: there is nothing dorkier than a Segway tour.
Apr 11, 2012
I walk into more spiderwebs than most people.
Mar 23, 2012
"Whenever I get dressed up, I feel like an ex-con trying to make good."
Jun 15, 2010